Over the course of the time I was at the Northwest asylum, I asked the doctors if they collected any writing that the patients had done. They said that many of them made diary entries and they could confiscate them for me. They also told me most of the patients give up on writing and the most recent writing by these patients was from a year ago.
I want to show you the damage this asylum has caused these patients.
I want to show you the damage this asylum has caused these patients.
Diary entry of the little girl (Lilly):
10/24/36
I hope these have been getting to you mommy. I’m scared here. I give these letters to the scary man outside my door, he tells me you won’t answer because you don’t love me no more. They tell me I’m crazy mommy. They tell me I should be mad at myself for turning myself into a monster. I’m hungry and cold and this bed feels like metal. I miss you and I want to get better so i can see you and daddy again. Tell Timothy I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt him, I just want to see him again mommy please. I love you and I forgive you for putting me in here, I just want to come home.
Diary of young boy (Kyle):
09/15/36
There’s no reason I should be here. I’m not crazy and I miss my family. Before I was put in here I had friends, a life, a future. But, this place has drove me crazy. I have these urges now to hurt myself. Ones I’ve never had before. It’s become some routine now to call myself crazy, but, I really believe I’m not. Bein in here makes me suicidal, aggressive and so so depressed. The same bed, the same walls, the same damn things everyday. That would drive everyone crazy right? I hope one day to see my family and spit in their faces. There was a time that I thought parents couldn’t visit but, it turns out they just never want to see me. Never want to see if their brother or son is okay. Not having a family could drive anyone to do things that they regret and I am a firm believer of that.
10/24/36
I hope these have been getting to you mommy. I’m scared here. I give these letters to the scary man outside my door, he tells me you won’t answer because you don’t love me no more. They tell me I’m crazy mommy. They tell me I should be mad at myself for turning myself into a monster. I’m hungry and cold and this bed feels like metal. I miss you and I want to get better so i can see you and daddy again. Tell Timothy I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt him, I just want to see him again mommy please. I love you and I forgive you for putting me in here, I just want to come home.
Diary of young boy (Kyle):
09/15/36
There’s no reason I should be here. I’m not crazy and I miss my family. Before I was put in here I had friends, a life, a future. But, this place has drove me crazy. I have these urges now to hurt myself. Ones I’ve never had before. It’s become some routine now to call myself crazy, but, I really believe I’m not. Bein in here makes me suicidal, aggressive and so so depressed. The same bed, the same walls, the same damn things everyday. That would drive everyone crazy right? I hope one day to see my family and spit in their faces. There was a time that I thought parents couldn’t visit but, it turns out they just never want to see me. Never want to see if their brother or son is okay. Not having a family could drive anyone to do things that they regret and I am a firm believer of that.
This next bit of information I got during my research was a poem written by Matthew. The doctor that regulates his room told me he found this laying beside his bed after an attempted suicide.
Poem by the middle aged man (Matthew):
Being misunderstood is quicksand.
You think they’ll understand,
You think they’ll ask.
And when they don’t you want to be surprised,
But you know they don’t care.
I write on these walls with my mistakes, my flaws.
But I am not a monster. I am a sinner.
Sinners search for forgiveness but I have given up.
When my blood splatters on these walls they’ll know it wasn’t my fault
They will lose sleep. Toss and turn in their bed of lies.
And, I’ll smile because they’ll feel my pain.
My families backs have become my resting place.
There’s no worries in their heads about how I sleep at night,
But I rest easy knowing I’ll be in your nightmares.
Diary entries and poem: I chose both of these purely because of how fitting they are to the asylum aspect. People who are in there usually write because that’s really all you can do in a place like that.
Being misunderstood is quicksand.
You think they’ll understand,
You think they’ll ask.
And when they don’t you want to be surprised,
But you know they don’t care.
I write on these walls with my mistakes, my flaws.
But I am not a monster. I am a sinner.
Sinners search for forgiveness but I have given up.
When my blood splatters on these walls they’ll know it wasn’t my fault
They will lose sleep. Toss and turn in their bed of lies.
And, I’ll smile because they’ll feel my pain.
My families backs have become my resting place.
There’s no worries in their heads about how I sleep at night,
But I rest easy knowing I’ll be in your nightmares.
Diary entries and poem: I chose both of these purely because of how fitting they are to the asylum aspect. People who are in there usually write because that’s really all you can do in a place like that.
The next bit of information I got regarding the patients was an interview. Although short, this interview opened my eyes to how hurt kids get when they are left alone with absolutely no one. I went into this promising myself I would try my best not to get an emotional connection to any of the patients I meet. It has been hard with the amount they have trusted me with. This interview was the first time me and Kyle met face to face. His reaction is from pure isolation and hurt.
Interview with Kyle Birch, patient at the Northwest asylum. Age 16.
10:21AM January, 14, 1937
Reporter: This is nothing to be scared of, I’m here to know more about you and understand why you’re here.
Kyle: I know… I’m just trying to calm down before we start. Is that okay?
Reporter: Of course, take your time.
About 10 minutes pass.
Kyle: My family left me here. When I got here I was a normal happy boy. But there’s things that I continue to be told about myself and the more you’re told you act and think a certain way. The more you believe it.
Reporter: I came into your room and I saw papers all over your floor. What are those?
Kyle: Suicide notes. But, without the means there’s nothing left to think about or write about. I’ve given up on writing.
Kyle walked out of the room with tears in his eyes.
Reporter: Maybe if we wait he’ll come back. Should we wait?
Doctors enter.
Doctor: He seems very distressed and is sitting on the floor in his room. He said he can’t talk with you because he knows you won’t help him. Coming back later and maybe trying with another patient would be the best idea. He can’t keep up a conversation anymore because he’s been isolating himself for months and refuses to talk to the patients or us.
Reporter: Thank you.
Transcript: I chose a transcript because it gives a direct connection to this patient and gives the reader a good idea of how being in an asylum has rendered their social abilities. I used personal experience to complete this transcript.
10:21AM January, 14, 1937
Reporter: This is nothing to be scared of, I’m here to know more about you and understand why you’re here.
Kyle: I know… I’m just trying to calm down before we start. Is that okay?
Reporter: Of course, take your time.
About 10 minutes pass.
Kyle: My family left me here. When I got here I was a normal happy boy. But there’s things that I continue to be told about myself and the more you’re told you act and think a certain way. The more you believe it.
Reporter: I came into your room and I saw papers all over your floor. What are those?
Kyle: Suicide notes. But, without the means there’s nothing left to think about or write about. I’ve given up on writing.
Kyle walked out of the room with tears in his eyes.
Reporter: Maybe if we wait he’ll come back. Should we wait?
Doctors enter.
Doctor: He seems very distressed and is sitting on the floor in his room. He said he can’t talk with you because he knows you won’t help him. Coming back later and maybe trying with another patient would be the best idea. He can’t keep up a conversation anymore because he’s been isolating himself for months and refuses to talk to the patients or us.
Reporter: Thank you.
Transcript: I chose a transcript because it gives a direct connection to this patient and gives the reader a good idea of how being in an asylum has rendered their social abilities. I used personal experience to complete this transcript.